In the teaching of the New Testament, believers and bitterness are contradictory to each other. It’s like fire and water. They just cannot mix. A true believer cannot harbor bitterness in his or her heart. Paul the Apostle encourages every believer to “get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.” (Ephesians 4:31 NLT).
Jesus emphasized that “forgiveness” is part of the basic character of a true believer.
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?”
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”
Matthew 18:21-22
The rabbis of antiquity recommended the “three-strikes-and-you-are-out” approach in forgiving. A person is required to tolerate and pardon three offenses of his opponent. However, after that, he is allowed to retaliate or take revenge.
Peter was more magnanimous than the rabbis because he recommended forgiving the offender seven times. Jesus blew the concept of three and seven pardons out of the water with His “forgiveness” standard raised to “seventy times seven”. Jesus did not mean that we should only forgive 490 times. His answer to Peter set the biblical standard: as believers, as long as the person repents, you have to forgive that person. If he offended you again and again and repented, again and again, you will have to forgive Him. Yes, countless times. The apostles who were listening with Peter finally exclaimed to Jesus in full recognition of their weaknesses, “Increase our faith!” (Luke 17:3-5).
However, you may say that it is easy to say but the feeling of unforgiveness and bitterness is difficult to overcome. It is especially difficult when you have been hurt by those whom you least expected to do so. As time extends, such unresolved anger gradually turns into full-blown hatred and bitterness.
Many believers are stuck in this rut of bitterness and feel totally helpless in overcoming it. The worse thing for them to realize is that the people who hurt them do not even seem to care how they feel. In their deep anger, the devil is having a wonderful time manipulating them. He suggests many ideas of malice and revenge. And that is why bitterness and hatred inevitably become the sin of murder.
Some secretly wish that bad things will happen to the offender such as dying a gruesome death. Others curse these offenders under their breath. The more religious ones pray imprecatory prayers of judgment upon their adversaries even though the teaching in the New Testament does not encourage that. Instead, the Apostle Paul exhorts believers saying, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and curse not” (Romans 12:14).
If you can identify with these struggles, here are some helpful steps to help prevent you from poisoning yourself.
TELLING THE TRUE STORY TO JESUS
Stop and consider telling the most accurate story only to Jesus and yourself. Why? Because for too long now, you have created a story for others so as to justify your inner struggle, hurt, and pain. You also provide the reason why it is impossible to forgive the person or persons who hurt you.
Like a good detective, you may have to search through years of scattered memories and historical rubbles to determine the facts of the situations that caused you to retaliate in anger and hatred.
Is it what the person said or did, or is it being made to look ridiculous that offended you?
When I was around seven years old, I was “made a fool” by an uncle at one of our family gatherings. It was actually nothing – this uncle mimicked my childish voice when I addressed him. All my cousins laughed and I felt thoroughly embarrassed. Ever since that incident, I had a dislike for this uncle. It did not amount to hatred but at any family functions, I avoided him at all costs. It was not until I was 40 years old that I realized that it was that particular hurt that caused me to “dislike” this uncle. Thank God for revealing that to me. How did I resolve it?
The best approach to such a negative encounter is to confess, repent and hand the hurt feeling to the Lord in the Handing-over Prayer. That was what I did and I reconciled with this uncle socially and in my heart.
STOP TELLING YOUR STORY TO EVERYONE
One of the hurting people’s weaknesses is the desire to tell their negative stories to just about anyone. You can tell your story to a counselor or pastor so that you may receive helpful counsel and advice. However, if you repeatedly share your negative story with everybody you are keeping that painful memory alive.
When you prayed and surrendered that hurt to Jesus, He had begun the healing process in you. As you keep trusting and handing the struggle to Him, soon that inner wound will be healed.
Repeating your negative story is like digging into your old wound and making it all bloody again. Then Satan will control your life because he strives in conflict and pain. Unknowingly to you, the devil has shackled you with the chains of victimhood.
CHECK YOUR EXPECTATIONS
Another reason for the inner hurt may be that you have unrealistic expectations. Even though it is common for everyone to have certain unrealistic expectations, that does not mean that it is healthy.
An elderly missionary who returned alone to the USA from the mission field of Africa wanted to be treated with great honor and respect. However, the denomination did not really accord him the level of honor that he expected and according to his son, this missionary died an angry and bitter man.
A close relative had an adversarial marital relationship because she expected her husband to be able to read her mind and anticipate everything that she needed. She associated his inability to discern her needs as he did not love her enough. She was perpetually hurt despite the assurance from her husband.
Another friend expected her family members to respond in certain ways and when they did not, she was furious. For her entire life, the sad and often angry memories of her “uncaring” family members were repeated in endless narratives to others.
Unrealistic expectations are damaging because they are too complicated for any ordinary relationship to be established. These expectations are destined for failure. No amount of unforgiveness and bitterness will change your situation. By paying attention to why every unrealistic expectation ends up in failure or quarrel, we may become wiser and better at dealing with such disappointments.
TIME TO HAND OVER YOUR BURDENS
Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-29: “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
The Lord is definitely sympathetic to your hurts and brokenness. You can come to Him with your tale of sorrow, and He will not scorn you. You can cry upon His shoulders, and He will not push you away. In the deep silence, you will hear His voice of comfort and liberty. He will gently untangle your throbbing affliction and His peace will calm that stormy discrepancy.
Every hurting memory does not need to own or control you. Every flood of pain does not need to drown you. When all these come and they will come, all you need to do is to acknowledge each feeling of hurt and pain. Don’t fight it. Just acknowledge it, receive it, and then give it a shape and color in your mind.
For example, someone falsely accused me of something and I was hurt. The inner hurt continued to fester as long as I avoided it. When I took responsibility to acknowledge it. I gently received it and gave it the shape of a square and the color was green. Then what did I do with that angry feeling that had a shape and color? I gently handed it over to the Lord.
You may be wondering whether that painful thought ever come back and the answer is that it kept coming back. And I kept up with the same handing-over process. Then, one day, it just didn’t come back with that emotional baggage anymore. I recalled all the words of the false accusation, but they no longer carried that emotion of hurt, anger, and pain in them. I no longer disliked the person who said it. I was able to honestly pray for him and even fellowship with him without any hesitation in my spirit.
Jesus is not only most willing to give you rest but He assures that you will surely find rest in Him. When you trust Him with all your struggles, you will receive your spiritual refreshment. A strong dose of inner nourishment and deep peace will flow within when you hand every ugly thought and painful memory to Him.
As you hand over all to the Lord, you may want to enter into His service and bask in the light of His teaching. The first “rest” is while serving Him, you’ll find your purpose of being, and the second “rest” is found in His life-giving Word. You’ll discover daily purification from the filth of the world. Both are necessary for your spiritual refreshment and growth. And both these can only be found in Christ and Christ alone. May you refuse to poison your life and surrender everything to the Lord.
Here is the playlist of a compilation of Handing-over Prayer videos for you to listen to and share with others.
Playlist of Handing-over Prayer
Albert Connect 